Who I Voted For, and I Don't Mean Paul Martin...

The final push of the election which began in November took place over the weekend; the principle candidates trying hard to upstage their opposition, making decisive arguments and scorching rebuttals. While the advance polls seemed conclusive, there could be no doubt that last minute ballot stuffing would swing the election and send some “worthy” candidates to… Houston. That’s right, forget about Martin, Harper, and Layton, I mean how could I be expected to give them any real thought when the real election of the weekend was voting for the NBA allstar game, which came to a frantic conclusion Sunday night. And while Achanceyougottatake Sports is largely indifferent to All Star games (what can I say, No “D,” no interest), it does offer a splendid opportunity to acknowledge this year’s top first half performers. So, just so you know how things should have gone down, here’s how Achanceyougottatake Sports punched out his starter ballot on Sunday (note, players are listed with their points, rebounds, and assists per game, as well as Player Efficiency Rating, as determined by stat wiz John Hollinger).

Eastern Conference:

Guard - I always prefer to select a point guard and a shooting guard as my two starting guards, as opposed to just penciling in the two “best” (or highest scoring) guards. Jason Kidd is having a resurgent year in New Jersey, TJ Ford has been instrumental in leading Milwaukee back from the dead, and Stephon Marbury is uhmm, well, Stephon Marbury, but this is really a two man race. Allen Iverson had what many thought to be his best season last year, and for an encore all he’s doing is beating it, he has he NBA’s 6th best PER (26.98) and he’s behind only Kobe Bryant in scoring (33.5). Yet, while I love Iverson’s toughness and tenacity, I cannot help but wonder whether his ball dominance is really the best thing for a team with so many youngsters (not to mention a smooth passing power forward). Conversely, Chauncey Billups is the unquestioned leader of a team which is 33-5 and his total package of abilities really makes him an easy choice over AI. Simply put, there’s no doubt in my mind that Philly would be a better team with Billups in Iverson’s place, while Detroit would be a worse with the reverse.
Chauncey Billups, Detroit Pistons – (18.8.3.1, 8.6, 24.21)

Guard – Vince Carter is showing all those Toronto fans that he’s a dick, he’s also showing them that he still has his full assortment of scoring abilities; Richard Hamilton is Detroit’s leading scorer, and Gilbert Arenas is lighting it up in Washington, none is even close to Miami’s Dwayne Wade, who is playing better than most people realize. Sustaining the Heat through Shaq’s injury, Stan Van Gundy’s resignation, and the incorporation of this summer’s myriad acquisitions.
Dwayne Wade, Miami Heat – (26.8, 6.2, 7.0, 27.76)

Forward – Do I really need to explain the King?
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers – (31.0, 6.7, 6.2, 28.62)

Forward – It looks as though the fans will select Jermaine O’Neal for this spot, which isn’t a bad choice, but I think that Toronto’s Chris Bosh is having a slightly superior season. Their core numbers are remarkably close Bosh leading 22.5 to 21.3 in points, 2.5 to 2.3 in assists, while O’Neal leads 9.6 to 9.2 in rebounds, but scratching the surface a little you discover that Bosh shoots better (.506 to .464), he gets to the line more (282 to 253), where he converts at a much higher rate (.817 to .694). Further, O’Neal isn’t to blame for the Pacers ship wreck of a season, but their struggles reflect more than just the exile of Artest. Rumor has it that the Pacers discreetly offered O’Neal to the Raptors for Bosh in the offseason, which shows that they, like Achanceyougottatake Sports, favor the Raptor’s young warrior, if only slightly.
Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors – (22.5, 9.2, 2.5, 23.39)

Center – Even in a year in which the NBA’s larger than life super hero has shown a noticeable loss of quickness and missed 18 games, he remains the best of a weak center crop. Only Detroit’s Ben Wallace can reasonably be mentioned as an alternative, but given that he has no semblance of an offensive game, I have trouble selecting him.
Shaquille O’Neal, Miami Heat – (18.8, 9.2, 1.3, 23.49)

Western Conference:

Guard – Hands up those of you who thought that Nash had any shot at capturing a 2nd MVP trophy? Ok, hands up all those that thought the Suns would be on a 54 win pace without Amare Stoudemire? The MVP has kept his game at a high level and walks away with this spot.
Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns – (19.0, 4.4, 11.5, 21.81)

Guard – No matter what you think about the NBA’s leading scorer (selfish, team wrecking chucker, or unparalleled scorer), there’s no denying that without him the Lakers would struggle to beat a drum with two wooden sticks. His 81 point showing (see below) might have come too late for prospective voters, but it shows what an awesome force he can be.
Kobe Bryant , Los Angeles Lakers – (35.9, 5.6, 4.3, 28.99)

Forward – I normally prefer to select a true small forward and power forward, but the Western Conference has so many dominant big men (Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Elton Brand, Pau Gasol, Andrei Kirilenko, and Shawn Marion that I just cannot take a small (where given Tracy McGrady’s defunct back, only Carmelo Anthony’s a viable option). Dirk is an easy choice, he’s having his best season, has Dallas poised to win the Western Conference should San Antonio slip, and is 4th in the NBA in PER (27.66).
Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks – (26.1, 8.5, 2.6, 27.39)

Forward – Elton Brand narrowly beats out the rest of the pack and --- not that such things should matter --- nobody deserve it more. Brand has been a warrior for so many losing teams, it’s kind of hard to remember that he’s a great player. But he is, despite measuring only 6’8, he uses his strong legs and long arms to over power and outwork opposing players down low, and it’s finally paying off for the Clippers, who currently sit 6th in the conference.
Elton Brand, Los Angeles Clippers – (24.6, 10.8, 2.5, 27.03)

Center – It’s almost a joke. The choice is between a worthy pair of players who’ve only played in half their team’s games (Yao Ming and Marcus Camby), two barely borderline candidates (Mehmet Okur and Brad Miller), and a host of tall stiffs (Chris Kaman, Erik Dampier, Chris Mihm, Lorenzen Wright, Michael Olokwandi). Given his role in Utah’s recent run I’m inclined to select Okur, but his increased production came with a move to the four, plus he’s yet to find a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word defense, so… I’m taking Camby, who at least played like an all star at center for 25 games, before he got a sliver in his pinkie while eating a popsicle.
Marcus Camby, Denver Nuggets – (16.3, 12.9, 1.4, 23.17)

100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall…

Kobe Bryant used the Toronto Raptors like a tissue. He just kept spewing forth and they kept absorbing it all. His stat line looks like it’s from a video game (28 of 46, including 7 of 13 from 3, 18 of 20 from the line) and his total makes him the only player besides Wilt Chamberlain to top 80. Of course Wilt topped 100, which looks a little better. Yet, given that he poured in 81 as a guard, shooting a better percentage than Wilt, and against modern scouting and defenses (the Raptors have a modern defense?), some are calling it the greatest individual performance ever. Personally, I think that they might have a point, but that’s all rhetoric, because numbers are what ultimately matter and the numbers will continue to show 100 as the high water mark in single game scoring. Nevertheless, Bryant’s performance seems to have injected a shot of life into what has otherwise been a fairly listless season.

Trying to trade Faust…

I thought it was finally over, the never ending Artest saga seemed to have come full circle when the Kings accepted the NBA outcast for Peja Stojakovic. I was all set to write about how after almost two months of intrigue Artest ended up being exchanged for the player everyone first expected… And then, just like that, Artest sabotaged the deal by telling Kings’ and Pacers’ executives that he wouldn’t play in Sacramento. Sigh… Just like that Walsh and Bird’s patience, which seemingly had paid off, has been flushed down the proverbial $%&*er. Team’s angst about Artest will again be heightened and what offers the Pacers do get will again be lowball ones. At this point, the Pacers may well end up sitting on Artest until June and making a decision this summer, but they should put a call in to the Lakers, where Bryant has made Lamar Odom almost entirely useless. A deal of Artest, Austin Croshere, and Anthony Johnson for Odom and Devean George works under the salary cap and fills needs for each team. I’m dubious about how the NBA’s two worst teammates would coexist, but hey, maybe two wrongs actually do make a right.

Precariously Balancing on the Fence...

The word on the street is that this Sunday is the Conference Championship games in the NFL, which for all you avid readers of Achanceyougottatake Sports means a freakish, bonus column, I know, I know, it’s crazy who’d ever have thunk it? The two games, one in the rainy confines of Seattle and the other in the thin air of Denver, might lack sex appeal to the average fan (I know my lady became far less interested after Tom Brady’s Pats lost), but if you cannot get excited about Jerome Bettis and Ben Roethlisberger leading Pittsburgh and it’s swarming defense into Denver, with their power running game, well then you just aren’t paying any attention. That’s a football game which deserves our respect. On the other side of the ball there is a lot to intrigue the bleary eyed who are still mourning the Colts defeat. After years of moribund play, Mike Holmgren finally has Seattle in a Championship game, he has the MVP (Shaun Alexander, really? Him?) and an all pro quarterback. He actually has a defense and he’ll have those wet fickle Seattle fans. While they mysteriously vaporize into the misty hills when their teams are losing (were have you gone Mariner fans, where? We’ve only been losing for two years), they have historically shown rabid support of their winning teams. They are championship starved and as Seattle’s 9-0 home record shows, will provide that proverbial 13th man. Not that it matters, because John Fox will have the Panthers prepared to deal with the noise. Everybody will know that every other pass leaving Jake Delhome’s hand will be going straight for Steve Smith, but yet he’ll still complete 12 of them for something like 874 yards. Losing DeShaun Foster hurts, but only a little. This is a back whom the Panthers lose every other week. Carolina backers expect to lose Foster the same way Sacramento supporters used to expect an injury to Bobby Jackson.

What really makes the Conference championships exciting, is the way any of the four teams could parlay this game into a victory three weeks from now in Detroit (Detroit, really? There?). In a year in which the NFC was clearly the weaker conference, its two best teams (not record wise, but talent and coaching wise), have shown their class in the playoffs, while in the AFC the top two teams have been swept aside. If they played seven game series, each of these battles would go six or seven, but they play only one game and as last week showed, on any given Sunday… If I had to rank the remaining four teams, based upon who would win on a neutral field, I would put them in this order: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Denver, Seattle, but they aren’t playing on a neutral field, they’re playing in Denver’s thin air and Seattle’s rain. Therefore, I like Seattle to hold fort at home. Carolina has all the talent to pull an upset and has already won some big games on the road this season (they’re now 7-2 away), but the Seahawks have a very balanced attack, which can control the game with the run or through the air, their defense is the best its been under Holmgren and like a feather on a scale home field tilts my judgment ever so slightly in their direction.

I like Pittsburgh, I’m not sure why, I think that they are playing some very good football right now. I like Bettis to score a couple touchdowns because he doesn’t want any more heart attacks from stunned fans, and I like Hines Ward to come up with a singularly big play, because he’s been quiet thus far. But really this game hinges upon who run’s the ball better. Both teams have crazy blitz packages and defenses which batter the hell out of the opposing quarterback, so whoever can get the hogs on the ground going, protect the ball, force a turnover or two, and work the field better will win. In this case, on this day, I think it will be Pittsburgh. Of course, maybe that’s just because with Dungy gone, I’ve toss my thumb out and am hitching a ride on Bettis’ bandwagon. He’s been a warrior for Pittsburgh, carried that team even after we all assumed he was finished. He’s a certain hall of famer, who played with class, dignity, and worked to help others. In a season where the headlines were dominated by the obnoxious, team disrupting Terrell Owens, I’d like the year’s final headlines to be about a good man celebrating his final victory, which just happened to be played in his hometown at the X-tra Large Super Bowl.

If Larry David Wrote the NFL Script...

What happened this weekend? Were you watching, can you explain it to me? Never has the maxim, Any Given Sunday been any more true. On a weekend where the two Super Bowl favorites fell, it wasn’t just about their collapse, it was about how spectacularly they collapsed. It was about the two kickers who never miss both missing, it was about an offence that dominates looking stagnate, about a team which never makes mistakes making four major ones, it was about a man who never fumbles, fumbling. It was about upsets, chaos, and finishes that get you up off the couch, shouting, fist pumping, hands slapping your face in shock, and giant sighs of disbelief.

On Saturday, the Patriots, rounding into Super Bowl form at just the right time, managed to shoot themselves in the foot, and then when that wasn’t enough to ensure their defeat, they poured acid on the wound and poked it a few times with sticks. Take nothing away from the Broncos, whose defense pounded Brady so many times he must have thought he was a side of beef in a Sylvester Stallone movie; ferocious hits, the kind where Brady elevates before being pile drived down to the ground. And yet, he kept getting up, kept making throws and might, just might, have won the game, but then there was that little mishap on the Broncos five yard line, a horrid case of fumbleitis, and a unheard of missed field goal. From the rookies we should expect such mishaps, while nothing has earmarked the Patriots championship run quite like their ability to call my grandma in off the street, throw pads on her and have her play like an all pro three days later, when Ellis Hobbs coughed the ball up on the kick off following a Broncos touchdown (one aided immeasurably by an entirely bogus pass interference call) it shouldn’t have surprised. He is a rookie after all, and rookies make “rookie mistakes,” which come to think about it is probably why they’re called rookie mistakes. But when Troy Brown bobbles a punt return in the fourth quarter of what still to that point was a winnable game, well that was when you turned to whoever was sitting next to you and said, “ding dong the witch is dead, which old witch, the wicked witch…” Not that the Patriots are really wicked, but Bill Belichick’s guys always played perfectly in tight spots. Well, on this night his defense remained as stalwart as ever, but three offensive heroes all failed him: Brown fumbled the punt, which in essence ended the game; Adam Vinatieri, a man whose name is associated with the hall of fame because he never misses important kicks, missed a field goal which would have left the Patriots down seven, Vinatieri missed, that more than anything must have been a portent of something bad for Patriots fans, I know it was for me, I almost fell off the couch. And Brady, the man… the legend… the idol… The Sports Illustrated Man of the Year, knocked silly all night made a terrible throw while trying to avoid the inevitable collision with a charging Bronco. A touchdown gives the Patriots a lead starting the fourth quarter, instead the ball left his hand and Champ Bailey easily stepped in front of Brown, said thank you, and ran 100 yards downfield. That he was chased down by a tight end just shows the Patriots’ fortitude, that Ben Watson knocked the ball out of Bailey’s hands and possibly through the end zone only shows how this was not the Patriots’ night. If the ball carried out through the end zone, as I believe it did, then the Patriots retake the ball at their own 20, and maybe I’m writing a column about how Watson saved the Patriots’ dynasty, instead the referees called it out at the one. Belichick threw the red flag, but the infallibility of replay was lost on this play, as the angles of the ball’s trajectory over, around, or outside of the python could not conclusively be ascertained. Thus, with no “indisputable evidence” the play stood. For their part, the Broncos converted every opportunity the patriots gave them. They were never able to run authoritatively on the Pats’ formidable front and Jake Plummer could be best described as ‘not losing the game,’ but a review of their scoring tells you everything: Kevin Faulk fumble – Broncos touchdown, Hobbs fumble – Broncos field goal, Brady interception – Broncos touchdown, Brown fumble – Broncos touchdown. Four turnovers, three touchdowns and a field goal. The Broncos deserve heaps of credit, Brady’s interception was a direct result of the punishment inflicted upon him by the blitzing Broncos, and they cashed in their chips when they needed to, but the Patriots old reliables, the men who’d won so many January football games lost this one in the cold Denver night.

Was the Colts loss any more or less surprising? What happened to the mighty Colts offense, was the Steelers defense too formidable, or did the long layoff after clinching everything leave them out of synch? And how do you describe that ending? What happened there? It’s best reviewed without superlatives, in bullet point forms, the way it happened, one shocking turn after another. A game ending Peyton interception, controversially overturned. Colts touchdown (21-16). Two point conversion (21-18). Great defensive stand, punt, Colts ball. First and ten, small gain, second and 8, sack third and 16, incomplete, fourth and sixteen, game ending SACK. Steelers ball on the Colts 2 yard line. Jerome Bettis, the Bus who hasn’t fumbled ALL year to drive in the final touchdown… FUMBLE. Nick Harper, whose wife had slashed his knee with a knife the night before (requiring stitches) recovers, runs it back 10, 20, 30 yards, only Big Ben Roethlisberger to beat, ONE HANDED tackle. Colts ball on their 42 with 1:02 left…

I don’t believe in the idea that Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy cannot win the big game, that someone as gifted as Manning suddenly losses it in the biggest moments, wets himself a little and goes looking for his comfort blanket is absurd, but games like this one certainly are not helping his cause. The Patriots were out, they had home field until the Super Bowl, and the NFC is weak this year, so surely the weight of this loss will weigh heavily on the shoulders of Manning and Dungy, but this was a total team collapse. The offensive line let Joey Porter and his teammates play patsy with Manning all day long, Marvin Harrison was where? Not in Indianapolis as far as I can, the defense had some moments, but how’d the Steelers get up 14 early? Yet in an incredibly ironic twist, the real choker in this one was that good old “idiot kicker.” On a day when Brady looked terrible, Manning still came out looking worse, somehow you have to believe that with 1:02 left and needing 58 yards to WIN, Brady gets them in the end zone, still Manning did put the Colts in position to tie, but Mike Vanderjagt the NFL’s all time most accurate kicker, who once said the Colts would never win it all with the passive Dungy and the chocker Manning proved himself to be some sort of self fulfilling prophet by missing the kick wide, and I mean WIDE, right. Whoever’s to blame, you cannot help but feel bad for Tony Dungy, whom you know will be back in the office tomorrow asking, “ok, how can we get better?” And in an NFL where anything can happen, where up was… down, black was… white, good was… bad, day was… night, well in a NFL so opposite, it’s hard to know what conclusions Dungy should draw.

Revisiting Ron Artest... and Other NBA Stuff.

A month after it began the Ron Artest saga is still, unmercifully, dragging on. Has it become painful? Certainly. Has it put a hold on all other trade activity? Probably. Has it led to a flurry of mundane columns which can offer nothing new about the status of the Rap Mogul/Hoops Star? Yup. Does that mean that I’m going to take the high road and write about something else? Well, uhmm, not exactly… The Pacers obviously are in a bind, the three teams who most desperately want Artest have nothing which tempts them, other teams which might have something don’t want the trouble, or are in the Eastern conference. Of course that’s a ridiculous reason not to trade him somewhere, in your division sure then don’t make the trade, but how is sending him to Washington, or Orlando really detrimental to your team? Assuming the return value is good, does the vague possibility of facing him in an early playoff round really matter *that* much? And, for that matter, even the division thing might be overrated, because if Chicago came with a package involving Luol Deng and New York’s draft pick I’d toss caution to the wind and care less how many times in the year I’d face Artest and his new posse. Indiana’s patience has to be admired, they aren’t going to be browbeaten into a bad deal, but the time has come where they need to make a move so that their other 12 players can move on. The player’s untied front is starting to crack and rumblings are beginning to be made about wanting a deal now. In a championship sense it doesn’t matter, because Artest’s act has cost them any possibility at a championship this year, but they are still be a playoff team. The guys on their roster (particularly Stephen Jackson, Austin Croshere, and Anthony Johnson) need to know whether they’re going to be moved alongside Artest or whether they’re in Indianapolis to stay. Bite the bullet, make a deal, it’s time.

Other NBA insights:

There are a number of reasons for the Bulls return to mediocrity after last years’ great campaign. For starters, while a good long term deal, the Eddy Curry trade left the team thin up front. Second, last year Chicago’s veterans played their best basketball in years. A decline was inevitable, had it been met by a steep improvement by their youngsters then Chicago would have been fine, but… Third, Tyson Chandler and Ben Gordan have been enormous disappointments. Gordan shouldn’t be a surprise, he was always a poor selection as a running mate alongside Kirk Heinrich (Andre Igoudala would have worked better). Together they make for an undersized backcourt, something no coach --- especially a hardnosed defensive coach like Scott Skiles --- will really commit too. Which is why Gordan will continue to be featured in trade rumors. Chandler is much more vexing, there is no doubt that he works hard, but last season he was a linchpin for the Bulls defense, and it was his presence which made Curry expendable. The Bulls didn’t expect to get much offence from him, but they believed that if he continued to dominate defensively then his lack of scoring could be tolerated. Instead, his defensive numbers (including rebounding) have declined steeply. It would be harsh to place all of Chicago’s defensive woes on Chandler (they are 14th in defensive efficiency, as opposed to 2nd last year), but if they are going to make any sort of move then they need him to be a force inside.

However, whatever happens to them this year, the Bulls future is as bright now as at any point since the Michael era ended (admittedly, that’s not saying much). They have good young pieces in Heinrich, Deng, and Chandler; they have ample cap room this year (thanks to the Curry trade and Tim Thomas’s expiring contract); they have great trade pieces (Gordan, Chris Duhon, Thomas’s expiring contract, draft picks galore); and they have the Knicks’ lottery pick this year, and potentially next as well. What they need is a star to attract defenders’ attention and put a lot of points on the board, and size at almost every position. They should convince the Clippers to give them Elton Brand back and then use their draft pick on Arkansas shooting guard Ronnie Brewer. Ok, given that the likelihood of them getting Brand back from the Clippers is only slightly higher than of me finally getting my much deserved contract with the Pistons (hey, I can plant my butt on that bench just as well as Darko), perhaps a more likely scenario might involve Paul Pierce, whose name continues to float just below the trade rumour surface. With that in mind, lets take a look at some trade scenarios which don’t involve Artest but should be done anyhow:

Chicago Gets: P. Pierce and M. Blount
Boston Gets: B. Gordan, T. Thomas, D. Songalia, and the Knicks 1st round pick.

Why It Works: The Bulls are about to have a lot of cap space, but Pierce is better than any player they could get this summer. Blount is necessary because the Celtics will want to jettisone him in any trade involving Pierce, and as onerous as his contract is, he’s also a big body to put on the floor. The Celtics are in full rebuilding mode, only their coach, Doc Rivers seems to forget that. Getting rid of Blount would mean Rivers is forced to play Al Jefferson, whose development is essential to the Celtics future. Thomas’s expiring salary is quite literally gold to the luxury tax ridden Celtics, Gordan will be an excellent starter one day, Songalia is a useful player, but that Knicks’ pick is the gem of this deal. It could be used on an impact player, or it could be swung somewhere with Raef LaFrentz for an expiring contract (in what would be mildly ironic, New York would be the most likely possibility).

Utah Gets: Jerome James (NY) and Jamal Crawford (NY)
New York Gets: Carlos Boozer

Why It Works: I’ve been thiking about a column which analyzes ways to fix the Knicks, and thus have reworked this trade about 18 different ways, including a few which involve Portland, but this is the deal boiled down to the bare essentials. Utah needs guard scoring, which Crawford can provide, it also wants to move Boozer whose lineup spot has been lost to Mehmet Okur. New York needs a gritty defender ( and rebounder) who doesn’t need touches to put points on the board, who can play alongside Curry and Channing Frye. They also need to get rid of some players who are just collecting dust (the deal could also be worked to involve Malik Rose instead of James if Utah would prefer him. It by no means solves New York’s problems, but it would be a start.

Orlando Gets: A. Harrington, J. Childress, and T. Delk
Atlanta Gets: S. Franics, lottery protected draft pick.

Why It Works: Harrington is a free agent at the end of the year and he plays the same position as every other member of the Hawks. What they need more than anything is a point guard and Francis just happens to be considered a point guard and a superstar to boot, of course while I would argue that both are tenuous, he would be a more useful player to the Hawks than Harington (especially next year when Harrington's playing somewhere else). Losing Childress hurts, but that’s what the draft pick is for. The trade gets Marvin Williams in the starting lineup where he needs to be and it gives the Hawks a dynamic backcourt for the next four years. For Orlando, they can finally forget John Weisbrod’s abhorrent Tracy McGrady deal by getting Francis off their books. Jameer Nelson has shown he’s ready to start and adding Harrington to play alongside Dwight Howard could be a great move (especially if they could re-sign him). Childress will be a solid complimentary player and Delk comes off the books after this year. The trade is actually prescient for both teams, which --- of course --- is why it wont happen...

Trading Ron Artest...

(Editors Note: This column was originally written in the days following Ron Artest's trade demand, but was never transfered from paper to computer. Here it is in its original form, with no changes made for recent activity --- which was easy, given that there hasn't been any *recent* activity).

I was asking myself the other day, what else could Ron Artest do to stab the Indiana Pacers in the back, and then, just like that, he went and publicly proclaimed that he hated playing for Rick Carlisle (despite Carlisle and Pacers’ executives Larry Bird and Donnie Walsh’s solid support of him through last years tempest) and wanted to be traded. So, at what point does Artest’s song and dance become old? When is he no longer with “it?” As Grandpa Simpson once said, “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was and now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it is weird and scary…” Well, there can be no doubt that what Artest is, is weird and scary, like a fourteen year old girl with a Princess complex, he can be sickeningly sweet one instant and destructively petulant the next. It’s disappointing really, because his talent level is so unique. Which in itself creates a problem. There are very few players who would give the Pacers equal value, and there are none of them signed to contracts which pay only 6 million (as his does). So, trading Artest is not as easy as making pie (which isn’t as easy as that Easy as Pie book led me to believe). Still, expect his recent outburst to elicit a frenzy of trade rumors, because as Isaiah Rider proved time and time again, no matter how big an idiot you are, if you can play, teams will keep trying to “help” you. Whether they admit it or not, when they heard he was available every GM in the NBA said, “hhmmm… if we put Artest alongside (insert best player here) we could really make a move.” Yet not every team can reasonably use him and the Pacers certainly wont trade him just anywhere. With that in mind, Achanceyougottatake Sports breaks down the Artest derby and places each team into six categories.

5 Teams Who Will Not Touch Artest:
1) Detroit Pistons – Although taking the troubled young star of your rival and turning him into another Rasheed Wallace would be the ultimate pie in the face, there is no way the Pistons take the man who once charged into their stands and started throwing punches.
2) San Antonio Spurs – The Spurs have a good thing going, a team built of solid professionals in the stoic image of the Admiral David Robinson and coach Greg Popovich. While they once took a chance on Dennis Rodman, they learned their lesson and leave crazy to someone else.
3) Utah Jazz – Salt Lake City meet Ron Artest, Jerry Sloan meet Ron Artest… or not…
4) Charlotte Bobcats – The NBA’s newest team is still in its infancy and there’s no way that coach/GM Bernie Bickerstaff takes any chance that might damage the team’s standing in Charlotte.
5) Portland Trailblazers – It seems weird even typing their name under this heading, because of course three years ago there would have been nowhere else for Artest to go BUT Portland. However, the team has tossed Rasheed, jettisoned Bonzi Wells, cut Qyntel Woods, and said goodbye to Damon Stoudamire, while they still have a few bad boys (anybody want Ruben Patterson, anybody, anybody at all???) they wont deviate enough from their good boy youth movement to take Artest.

5 Teams Which Absolutely Want Him:
1) LA Lakers – If they could find a way to get him, the Lakers would take Artest in a second, after all if Phil could tame the original bad boy, then where’s the problem controlling his young idol? The Lakers big problem is how? The only chip they have to offer the Pacers is Odom, but that wont make the Lakers any better. They need Artest AND Odom, not Artest FOR Odom.
2) Minnesota Timberwolves – Much like the Lakers, Minnesota salivates at the thought of adding Artest to their roster. Putting him alongside Kevin Garnett would make the Wolves legitimate contenders. Look for the Wolves to offer Olowokwandi’s expiring contract and Rashad McCants.
3) Denver’s season has gotten off to a less than stellar start, particularly when you consider how they finished under George Karl last year. It’s hard to know how the combustible combination of Karl and Artest would react, but the Nuggets desperately need some quality among their swingmen and having a defender to shut down Kobe, T-Mac, and Ginobili certainly wouldn’t hurt.
4) Miami Heat – Riley is stocking the cupboard with everything he can find and still the Heat have underachieved to start the year (never mind that they were missing Shaq). Would the Heat give up a combination of James Posey and Antoine Walker for Artest and Austin Croshere? The Pacers would certainly jump all over that deal.
5) Golden State Warriors – Last year Chris Mullin showed himself to be a risk taker when he scored a major coup in acquiring Baron Davis, this year a similar display of moxie could propel his club from fringe playoff team to Western conference contender.

5 Teams Who Shouldn’t Consider Him:
1) New York Knickerbockers – I know that right now Isaiah is wetting himself at the thought of adding Artest, but the Knicks are such a disaster right now, that adding him would be like adding chaos to chaos. Thomas has already given Larry Brown a roster full of malcontents and chuckers, the last thing they need is another guy who wants to shoot more.
2) New Orleans/Oklahoma Hornets – The NBA’s nomadic team (remember that just three years ago this team was in Charlotte) is in a careful rebuilding stage, adding Artest to that would be like tossing arsenic on your garden (ok, maybe that’s an overstatement, but it wouldn’t be good).
3) Toronto Raptors – Canada’s team doesn’t need the distraction that Artest would create, they aren’t close enough to winning to warrant taking such a risk.
4) Orlando Magic – Unless the Magic could convince the Pacers to package Artest with PG Jamaal Tinsely for Steve Francis then there’s no way the Magic should consider introducing him to future superstar Dwight Howard.
5) Atlanta Hawks – Does Artest play point guard? Is he a center? Or a natural power forward? Then no Virginia, the Hawks don’t need him, or Santa Claus.

5 Teams Who Definitely SHOULD Consider Him:
1) Dallas Mavericks – Oddly enough, given owner Mark Cuban’s lust for chaos, the Mavericks seem uninterested in Artest, of course, for once they should be. It might cost them young talents like Devin Harris or Josh Howard, but Artest would give them that push they need to contend with San Antonio and Detroit.
2) Memphis Grizzlies – Jerry West has been looking for that single player to push the Griz over the top for two years. Certainly a package involving Shane Battier would strike the Pacers interest, and while it might not make the Grizzlies champions, it’d get them close.
3) Seattle Supersonics – Unfortunately for the Sonics, Vladimir Radmanovic signed the one year tender which means he cannot be traded without losing his Bird rights. Otherwise, the Pacers would likely be interested in Radmanovic for Artest. Now that Nate McMillan has gone to Portland, the Sonics are floundering. They need defense, intensity, and an identity; they need each before Ray Allen’s skills erode with age. Artest would help with all three.
4) Philadelphia 76ers – Like Seattle, Philly has a lot of money invested in ageing superstars. As their roster currently is constructed, they’re a fringe playoff team (and that’s with Allen Iverson having his best season). Pairing Artest with Iverson, Andre Igoudala, and Samuel Dalembert would make them formidable defensively, and Artest could benefit from Chris Webber and Iverson’s offensive talents.
5) Phoenix Suns – Like Dallas, taking Artest would take them from very good to Spurs - Pistons good. A starting five of Steve Nash, Boris Diaw, Artest, Shawn Marrion, and Kurt Thomas would dominate, and that’s before Amare Stoudemire comes back.

5 Teams Who Could Get Him:
1) LA Clippers – Corey Maggette might get him straight up, tossing in Chris Wilcox would certainly seal the deal. Do the Clips want to take that gamble?
2) Sacramento Kings – Everybody knows about the Peja – Artest rumors of last year, well get ready for a whole new barrage of those.
3) New Jersey Nets – The Nets could offer a Jason Kidd for Artest and Jamaal Tinsely deal, which would put the Pacers right back in the championship discussion.
4) Boston Celtics – If the Celtics decided they wanted to speed up their rebuilding process, they could package youngsters Gerald Green and Kendrick Perkins alongside Ricky Davis for Artest.
5) Washington Wizards – Caron Butler is somewhat of a poor man’s Ron Artest, but without the complications. A combo of him and Antonio Daniels for Artest and Anthony Johnson would be too much for the Pacers to ignore.

5 Teams Whom Indy Shouldn’t Consider:
1) Milwaukee Bucks – In Indy’s division, in Indy’s division, in Indy’s division, couldn’t offer enough to offset the fact that they’re… in Indy’s division.
2) Chicago Bulls – See above.
3) Cleveland Cavaliers – Artest said he wants to go be LeBron’s backup, of course he also said he wants to shoot more? Well, either way… in Indy’s division.
4) Houston Rockets – Well, they aren’t going to trade Yao, nor are they likely to trade T-Mac (whose back might never allow him to be the player he was anyhow) and after that the Rockets roster looks pretty bleak.
5) Indiana Pacers – Yes, yes I know, the Pacers can’t actually trade him to themselves, but what I mean is that they should not consider taking him back. It’s too late, things have gone beyond the point at which you keep him. He’s corrosive and he’s putting holes in that locker room. It will likely end their championship hopes for this year, but c’est la vie. It’s time for the Pacers to wash their hands of Artest and be finished with the era of insanity.

A column for Matt and Sandra (or, a column full of football and parenthesis)

Thus far in the year, I have neglected the NFL. Not by choice really, ok maybe by choice a little, but because the work which actually puts food on my table (ok, well maybe not my table, but on my lap in front of a movie) precludes me from watching games on Sunday. And football, like hockey, is very difficult to write about without having watched the action, a lot of action, as much as possible. So, despite pleas from adoring fans (ok, so maybe he was drunk and more belligerent than adoring, but let me fuel my own notions of grandeur for a minute here) I have not written a word on the NFL. Still, with the wild card weekend only three days away (yes, it’s morning, and yes I’m counting today) and with a rash of firings, it’s time to look at the titan-tron and figure out what’s happening on the gridiron (even I don’t know what I just wrote…). So, because it’s my anniversary week to my charming girlfriend who so politely handles the challenges of dating a boy who incessantly thinks about sports (and since she loves the Five Things I Think, I Think format, originally of course a homage to the inestimable Peter King), here’s a special Achanceyougottatake anniversary version of Five Things I Think, I Think about the NFL this week:

1) I think, I think that the amazing thing about Doug Flutie is that he’s involved in only 25 plays *all* year and yet makes the season’s best play. Ok, ok maybe best play isn’t the right moniker, but most eyebrow raising, chuckle inducing, history checking play (hhmmm, that moniker might be a bit long to catch on as the hot new catch phrase…). In the fourth quarter of the season’s final game (against a suddenly impressive Miami team, how’d these guys win 9 games, practically out of nowhere, Nick Saban really is a coaching god, am I rambling, perhaps I should stop…), instead of holding the snap for a normal PAT (or point after touchdown for you laymens out there), Flutie took the snap and converted the NFL’s first drop kick since 1941. That’s right, you read that right, he converted a DROP KICK. I didn’t even know that drop kicks were legal in the NFL (truth be told I never really gave the subject much thought) and given that they are far more difficult than the regular PAT and count for precisely the same amount of points (one) it’s obvious why they’re never attempted, but you have to love the ageless Flutie showing his athletic guile and slicing himself off a little piece of history (you also have to credit Bill Belichick for having a little sense of history and fun, most coaches would have said, NO!).

2) I think, I think that Tony Dungy’s perfect season could not have crashed any harder back to earth. I saw an article by some moron who wrote that Dungy didn’t deserve this tragedy (as though somebody else does deserve to have their child commit suicide), but Dungy is a classy individual, who has always tried to put family first (a rarity in his profession), commands respect by giving it and has stood erect and proud during a terrible time for his family. I would imagine that more people than usual will be cheering for the Colts during the playoffs and rightfully so, nobody deserves to win the big one more than Dungy.

3) I think, I think that this season has been a real death knell in the whole parity idea. Yes, the introduction of free agency and the subsequent salary cap to govern it, has meant that teams cannot hoard talent and dominate. It has leveled the playing field and allowed teams to make incredible resurgent moves to the top, but despite that, we have a two time defending champion and 13 teams who finished with 10 plus wins, 14 teams who finished with 6 or fewer wins and only 5 teams who finished in the middle 7-9 to 9-7 ground. That’s sure not parity, it’s a lot of good teams pounding the crap out of a bunch of Reggie Bush chasing teams.

4) I think, I think that the worst idea floating around NFL offices right now is the expansion of the playoffs. Kansas City president Carl Peterson seems to present this idea every other year, which oddly enough happens to be the times when his Chiefs happen to miss the playoffs. The idea, to add a seventh playoff team to each conference is asinine. If a team is good enough to get to the postseason, then they get there. I am tired of hearing people champion San Diego as though they should be playing the NFC champion in February. Yes, they are a good team, and on the right week they can be a great team (like when they beat New England or when the beat Indy, both on the road), yes their schedule was particularly harsh (weekly trips which had them crisscrossing the country), but if they were great (as opposed to good) they wouldn’t have lost at home to Dallas, Pittsburgh, and Miami, and they definitely shouldn’t have lost on the road to the depleted Eagles. Yes, each is a tough opponent (except of course Philly), but a playoff team wins three of those four, which makes San Diego 12-4 and in the playoffs. The system works just fine. It rewards those teams which play the best football for 16 weeks and teams like the Chiefs should hire a coach who can craft a solid defense.

5) I think, I think that the eight teams who fired their coaches in the past four days would do well to take a spate of recent successful hires: Chicago (Lovie Smith), Cincinnati (Marvin Lewis), Jacksonville (Jack del Rio), Atlanta (Jim Mora), Carolina (John Fox), and Miami (Nick Saban). All were fresh hires, with considerable experience on the defensive side of the ball. Only Saban came from the college ranks, but he had built his reputation under Bill Belichick in the NFL. So forget the Wade Phillips, the Jim Fassels, and the Steve Marriucci (unless you are Green Bay hopping to get one more year out of Brett Farve) and raid one of your rivals of their young, serious defensive coordinator.

Enough Bellyaching, lets get to the Picks:

Ok, since Wild Card weekend is two days away (yes, it is now tomorrow, I had to suspend my work on this column yesterday to clean my apartment) I should quite my weak kneed evasive maneuvers and step up in the pocket (or make some picks already). So… I think Washington pounds the ball on Tampa, controls the clock and gets Joe Gibbs’ first playoff win in 14 years. The Jaguars have had a good season, but the Patriots in January, in Foxboro, with Belichick and Brady… Carolina is good, but the Giants use Tiki Barber’s all around talents to relieve the pressure off of Eli Manning and defeat the Panthers. Finally, in the best game of the weekend, the Steelers throw their ball control offence and power defense against Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and the Cincinnati Bengals. Marvin Lewis continues to show that a dozen teams should have hired him before Cincy did, by leading the NFL’s former laughingstock to the divisional round (and I, by working Saturday and Sunday, miss all the action, sigh…