If Larry David Wrote the NFL Script...

What happened this weekend? Were you watching, can you explain it to me? Never has the maxim, Any Given Sunday been any more true. On a weekend where the two Super Bowl favorites fell, it wasn’t just about their collapse, it was about how spectacularly they collapsed. It was about the two kickers who never miss both missing, it was about an offence that dominates looking stagnate, about a team which never makes mistakes making four major ones, it was about a man who never fumbles, fumbling. It was about upsets, chaos, and finishes that get you up off the couch, shouting, fist pumping, hands slapping your face in shock, and giant sighs of disbelief.

On Saturday, the Patriots, rounding into Super Bowl form at just the right time, managed to shoot themselves in the foot, and then when that wasn’t enough to ensure their defeat, they poured acid on the wound and poked it a few times with sticks. Take nothing away from the Broncos, whose defense pounded Brady so many times he must have thought he was a side of beef in a Sylvester Stallone movie; ferocious hits, the kind where Brady elevates before being pile drived down to the ground. And yet, he kept getting up, kept making throws and might, just might, have won the game, but then there was that little mishap on the Broncos five yard line, a horrid case of fumbleitis, and a unheard of missed field goal. From the rookies we should expect such mishaps, while nothing has earmarked the Patriots championship run quite like their ability to call my grandma in off the street, throw pads on her and have her play like an all pro three days later, when Ellis Hobbs coughed the ball up on the kick off following a Broncos touchdown (one aided immeasurably by an entirely bogus pass interference call) it shouldn’t have surprised. He is a rookie after all, and rookies make “rookie mistakes,” which come to think about it is probably why they’re called rookie mistakes. But when Troy Brown bobbles a punt return in the fourth quarter of what still to that point was a winnable game, well that was when you turned to whoever was sitting next to you and said, “ding dong the witch is dead, which old witch, the wicked witch…” Not that the Patriots are really wicked, but Bill Belichick’s guys always played perfectly in tight spots. Well, on this night his defense remained as stalwart as ever, but three offensive heroes all failed him: Brown fumbled the punt, which in essence ended the game; Adam Vinatieri, a man whose name is associated with the hall of fame because he never misses important kicks, missed a field goal which would have left the Patriots down seven, Vinatieri missed, that more than anything must have been a portent of something bad for Patriots fans, I know it was for me, I almost fell off the couch. And Brady, the man… the legend… the idol… The Sports Illustrated Man of the Year, knocked silly all night made a terrible throw while trying to avoid the inevitable collision with a charging Bronco. A touchdown gives the Patriots a lead starting the fourth quarter, instead the ball left his hand and Champ Bailey easily stepped in front of Brown, said thank you, and ran 100 yards downfield. That he was chased down by a tight end just shows the Patriots’ fortitude, that Ben Watson knocked the ball out of Bailey’s hands and possibly through the end zone only shows how this was not the Patriots’ night. If the ball carried out through the end zone, as I believe it did, then the Patriots retake the ball at their own 20, and maybe I’m writing a column about how Watson saved the Patriots’ dynasty, instead the referees called it out at the one. Belichick threw the red flag, but the infallibility of replay was lost on this play, as the angles of the ball’s trajectory over, around, or outside of the python could not conclusively be ascertained. Thus, with no “indisputable evidence” the play stood. For their part, the Broncos converted every opportunity the patriots gave them. They were never able to run authoritatively on the Pats’ formidable front and Jake Plummer could be best described as ‘not losing the game,’ but a review of their scoring tells you everything: Kevin Faulk fumble – Broncos touchdown, Hobbs fumble – Broncos field goal, Brady interception – Broncos touchdown, Brown fumble – Broncos touchdown. Four turnovers, three touchdowns and a field goal. The Broncos deserve heaps of credit, Brady’s interception was a direct result of the punishment inflicted upon him by the blitzing Broncos, and they cashed in their chips when they needed to, but the Patriots old reliables, the men who’d won so many January football games lost this one in the cold Denver night.

Was the Colts loss any more or less surprising? What happened to the mighty Colts offense, was the Steelers defense too formidable, or did the long layoff after clinching everything leave them out of synch? And how do you describe that ending? What happened there? It’s best reviewed without superlatives, in bullet point forms, the way it happened, one shocking turn after another. A game ending Peyton interception, controversially overturned. Colts touchdown (21-16). Two point conversion (21-18). Great defensive stand, punt, Colts ball. First and ten, small gain, second and 8, sack third and 16, incomplete, fourth and sixteen, game ending SACK. Steelers ball on the Colts 2 yard line. Jerome Bettis, the Bus who hasn’t fumbled ALL year to drive in the final touchdown… FUMBLE. Nick Harper, whose wife had slashed his knee with a knife the night before (requiring stitches) recovers, runs it back 10, 20, 30 yards, only Big Ben Roethlisberger to beat, ONE HANDED tackle. Colts ball on their 42 with 1:02 left…

I don’t believe in the idea that Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy cannot win the big game, that someone as gifted as Manning suddenly losses it in the biggest moments, wets himself a little and goes looking for his comfort blanket is absurd, but games like this one certainly are not helping his cause. The Patriots were out, they had home field until the Super Bowl, and the NFC is weak this year, so surely the weight of this loss will weigh heavily on the shoulders of Manning and Dungy, but this was a total team collapse. The offensive line let Joey Porter and his teammates play patsy with Manning all day long, Marvin Harrison was where? Not in Indianapolis as far as I can, the defense had some moments, but how’d the Steelers get up 14 early? Yet in an incredibly ironic twist, the real choker in this one was that good old “idiot kicker.” On a day when Brady looked terrible, Manning still came out looking worse, somehow you have to believe that with 1:02 left and needing 58 yards to WIN, Brady gets them in the end zone, still Manning did put the Colts in position to tie, but Mike Vanderjagt the NFL’s all time most accurate kicker, who once said the Colts would never win it all with the passive Dungy and the chocker Manning proved himself to be some sort of self fulfilling prophet by missing the kick wide, and I mean WIDE, right. Whoever’s to blame, you cannot help but feel bad for Tony Dungy, whom you know will be back in the office tomorrow asking, “ok, how can we get better?” And in an NFL where anything can happen, where up was… down, black was… white, good was… bad, day was… night, well in a NFL so opposite, it’s hard to know what conclusions Dungy should draw.