Trading Ron Artest...

(Editors Note: This column was originally written in the days following Ron Artest's trade demand, but was never transfered from paper to computer. Here it is in its original form, with no changes made for recent activity --- which was easy, given that there hasn't been any *recent* activity).

I was asking myself the other day, what else could Ron Artest do to stab the Indiana Pacers in the back, and then, just like that, he went and publicly proclaimed that he hated playing for Rick Carlisle (despite Carlisle and Pacers’ executives Larry Bird and Donnie Walsh’s solid support of him through last years tempest) and wanted to be traded. So, at what point does Artest’s song and dance become old? When is he no longer with “it?” As Grandpa Simpson once said, “I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was and now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it is weird and scary…” Well, there can be no doubt that what Artest is, is weird and scary, like a fourteen year old girl with a Princess complex, he can be sickeningly sweet one instant and destructively petulant the next. It’s disappointing really, because his talent level is so unique. Which in itself creates a problem. There are very few players who would give the Pacers equal value, and there are none of them signed to contracts which pay only 6 million (as his does). So, trading Artest is not as easy as making pie (which isn’t as easy as that Easy as Pie book led me to believe). Still, expect his recent outburst to elicit a frenzy of trade rumors, because as Isaiah Rider proved time and time again, no matter how big an idiot you are, if you can play, teams will keep trying to “help” you. Whether they admit it or not, when they heard he was available every GM in the NBA said, “hhmmm… if we put Artest alongside (insert best player here) we could really make a move.” Yet not every team can reasonably use him and the Pacers certainly wont trade him just anywhere. With that in mind, Achanceyougottatake Sports breaks down the Artest derby and places each team into six categories.

5 Teams Who Will Not Touch Artest:
1) Detroit Pistons – Although taking the troubled young star of your rival and turning him into another Rasheed Wallace would be the ultimate pie in the face, there is no way the Pistons take the man who once charged into their stands and started throwing punches.
2) San Antonio Spurs – The Spurs have a good thing going, a team built of solid professionals in the stoic image of the Admiral David Robinson and coach Greg Popovich. While they once took a chance on Dennis Rodman, they learned their lesson and leave crazy to someone else.
3) Utah Jazz – Salt Lake City meet Ron Artest, Jerry Sloan meet Ron Artest… or not…
4) Charlotte Bobcats – The NBA’s newest team is still in its infancy and there’s no way that coach/GM Bernie Bickerstaff takes any chance that might damage the team’s standing in Charlotte.
5) Portland Trailblazers – It seems weird even typing their name under this heading, because of course three years ago there would have been nowhere else for Artest to go BUT Portland. However, the team has tossed Rasheed, jettisoned Bonzi Wells, cut Qyntel Woods, and said goodbye to Damon Stoudamire, while they still have a few bad boys (anybody want Ruben Patterson, anybody, anybody at all???) they wont deviate enough from their good boy youth movement to take Artest.

5 Teams Which Absolutely Want Him:
1) LA Lakers – If they could find a way to get him, the Lakers would take Artest in a second, after all if Phil could tame the original bad boy, then where’s the problem controlling his young idol? The Lakers big problem is how? The only chip they have to offer the Pacers is Odom, but that wont make the Lakers any better. They need Artest AND Odom, not Artest FOR Odom.
2) Minnesota Timberwolves – Much like the Lakers, Minnesota salivates at the thought of adding Artest to their roster. Putting him alongside Kevin Garnett would make the Wolves legitimate contenders. Look for the Wolves to offer Olowokwandi’s expiring contract and Rashad McCants.
3) Denver’s season has gotten off to a less than stellar start, particularly when you consider how they finished under George Karl last year. It’s hard to know how the combustible combination of Karl and Artest would react, but the Nuggets desperately need some quality among their swingmen and having a defender to shut down Kobe, T-Mac, and Ginobili certainly wouldn’t hurt.
4) Miami Heat – Riley is stocking the cupboard with everything he can find and still the Heat have underachieved to start the year (never mind that they were missing Shaq). Would the Heat give up a combination of James Posey and Antoine Walker for Artest and Austin Croshere? The Pacers would certainly jump all over that deal.
5) Golden State Warriors – Last year Chris Mullin showed himself to be a risk taker when he scored a major coup in acquiring Baron Davis, this year a similar display of moxie could propel his club from fringe playoff team to Western conference contender.

5 Teams Who Shouldn’t Consider Him:
1) New York Knickerbockers – I know that right now Isaiah is wetting himself at the thought of adding Artest, but the Knicks are such a disaster right now, that adding him would be like adding chaos to chaos. Thomas has already given Larry Brown a roster full of malcontents and chuckers, the last thing they need is another guy who wants to shoot more.
2) New Orleans/Oklahoma Hornets – The NBA’s nomadic team (remember that just three years ago this team was in Charlotte) is in a careful rebuilding stage, adding Artest to that would be like tossing arsenic on your garden (ok, maybe that’s an overstatement, but it wouldn’t be good).
3) Toronto Raptors – Canada’s team doesn’t need the distraction that Artest would create, they aren’t close enough to winning to warrant taking such a risk.
4) Orlando Magic – Unless the Magic could convince the Pacers to package Artest with PG Jamaal Tinsely for Steve Francis then there’s no way the Magic should consider introducing him to future superstar Dwight Howard.
5) Atlanta Hawks – Does Artest play point guard? Is he a center? Or a natural power forward? Then no Virginia, the Hawks don’t need him, or Santa Claus.

5 Teams Who Definitely SHOULD Consider Him:
1) Dallas Mavericks – Oddly enough, given owner Mark Cuban’s lust for chaos, the Mavericks seem uninterested in Artest, of course, for once they should be. It might cost them young talents like Devin Harris or Josh Howard, but Artest would give them that push they need to contend with San Antonio and Detroit.
2) Memphis Grizzlies – Jerry West has been looking for that single player to push the Griz over the top for two years. Certainly a package involving Shane Battier would strike the Pacers interest, and while it might not make the Grizzlies champions, it’d get them close.
3) Seattle Supersonics – Unfortunately for the Sonics, Vladimir Radmanovic signed the one year tender which means he cannot be traded without losing his Bird rights. Otherwise, the Pacers would likely be interested in Radmanovic for Artest. Now that Nate McMillan has gone to Portland, the Sonics are floundering. They need defense, intensity, and an identity; they need each before Ray Allen’s skills erode with age. Artest would help with all three.
4) Philadelphia 76ers – Like Seattle, Philly has a lot of money invested in ageing superstars. As their roster currently is constructed, they’re a fringe playoff team (and that’s with Allen Iverson having his best season). Pairing Artest with Iverson, Andre Igoudala, and Samuel Dalembert would make them formidable defensively, and Artest could benefit from Chris Webber and Iverson’s offensive talents.
5) Phoenix Suns – Like Dallas, taking Artest would take them from very good to Spurs - Pistons good. A starting five of Steve Nash, Boris Diaw, Artest, Shawn Marrion, and Kurt Thomas would dominate, and that’s before Amare Stoudemire comes back.

5 Teams Who Could Get Him:
1) LA Clippers – Corey Maggette might get him straight up, tossing in Chris Wilcox would certainly seal the deal. Do the Clips want to take that gamble?
2) Sacramento Kings – Everybody knows about the Peja – Artest rumors of last year, well get ready for a whole new barrage of those.
3) New Jersey Nets – The Nets could offer a Jason Kidd for Artest and Jamaal Tinsely deal, which would put the Pacers right back in the championship discussion.
4) Boston Celtics – If the Celtics decided they wanted to speed up their rebuilding process, they could package youngsters Gerald Green and Kendrick Perkins alongside Ricky Davis for Artest.
5) Washington Wizards – Caron Butler is somewhat of a poor man’s Ron Artest, but without the complications. A combo of him and Antonio Daniels for Artest and Anthony Johnson would be too much for the Pacers to ignore.

5 Teams Whom Indy Shouldn’t Consider:
1) Milwaukee Bucks – In Indy’s division, in Indy’s division, in Indy’s division, couldn’t offer enough to offset the fact that they’re… in Indy’s division.
2) Chicago Bulls – See above.
3) Cleveland Cavaliers – Artest said he wants to go be LeBron’s backup, of course he also said he wants to shoot more? Well, either way… in Indy’s division.
4) Houston Rockets – Well, they aren’t going to trade Yao, nor are they likely to trade T-Mac (whose back might never allow him to be the player he was anyhow) and after that the Rockets roster looks pretty bleak.
5) Indiana Pacers – Yes, yes I know, the Pacers can’t actually trade him to themselves, but what I mean is that they should not consider taking him back. It’s too late, things have gone beyond the point at which you keep him. He’s corrosive and he’s putting holes in that locker room. It will likely end their championship hopes for this year, but c’est la vie. It’s time for the Pacers to wash their hands of Artest and be finished with the era of insanity.