The Funky Smell of Crappy Ball Players...

Do you smell that? It’s funky, like really expensive cheese or my feet after a long day in sandals… It’s the ripe smell of three week old spinach, or yesterday’s egg salad sandwich. It’s the prawn shells rotting in the garbage or a flat filled with 21 year old boys. No, the deeper I smell, the harder I sniff, I think the waft floating through the window is Clint Barnes, Josh Towers and the rest of baseball’s worst players. No, not the guys who just cannot cut it and were sent back down to the minors, or allowed to rot on the back end of the bench, but the truly terrible guys who drastically affected the baseball races by underperforming every day. They aren’t totally at fault, their managers deserve blame for allowing them to continue taking the field every day, and their GMs deserve blame for signing them to contracts in the first place. In general this isn’t about injury, guys cannot help getting hurt --- it happens to everybody, and it’s not really about picking on terrible teams. It’s about players who just shouldn’t be getting 500 at bats, or the ball every fifth day. Guys, plain and simple, who stink.

The stat listed alongside the smelly bastards’ name is VORP. If you don’t know what VORP is, check it out here, but basically Albert Pujols led the league with 86, Tampa Bay’s Johnny Gomes was at exactly zero and everyone of these guys were below zero. Which essentially means they were worse than my Grandma fishing out her faded mitt, throwing on the old bloomers and standing in the box to stare down Randy Johnson.

C – B. Ausmus, Astros (-16.9): The Astros, bless their loyal little souls, seem content to allow Ausmus to play until his cataracts are so bad he cannot see the ball; not that it would affect things any, because he already can’t hit the thing. Never known for his bat, he’s taken imeptitude to a special level. His .230 batting average is bad, but his .285 slugging percentage, is just slightly better than what my dog posted this year.

1B – T. Lee, Devil Rays (-11.1): Like a number of players on this list, Lee is a good fielder, which if a guy cannot hit doesn’t leave you with much. First base is a hitters position, it requires a guy who can occasionally drive in a run or put the ball over the fence. Lee’s 11 home runs and 31 RBIs aren’t exactly what I mean. His .756 OPS is near the top of the list of why the Rays had baseball’s worst offence. Lee should be on the roster of a team like the Yankees or Red Sox to play after the seventh inning of close games. He should not be appearing in anywhere near the 400 at bats he got with the Rays.

2B – R. Adams, Blue Jays (-10.3): I know better. I really do. You cannot predict with any certainty how guys will develop when you draft them. And high school pitchers are especially difficult to prognosticate, yet every time I hear Adams’ name, all I can think is… he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir, he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir, he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir, he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir, he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir, he was picked right in front of Scott Kazmir… It’s enough to drive a simple minded Jays fan insane.

SS – C. Barmes, Rockies (-21.1): Last year before losing a fight with a dead frozen dear (hey, these things happen. Jeff Kent once lost a fight with a sponge and Sammy Sosa with a sneeze. It a tough, tough business), Barmes was OPSing .867, then he came back, slumped through September and… well until the Rockies called up Troy Tulowitski to replace him, Barmes was the worst regular in baseball. His VORP is dead last, in large part to a .265 OBP. That stinks, worse than those eggs, worse than those rotting prawns, even worse than my feet and that’s saying something. The Rockies were better than expected this year, but unless Tulowitski fully unseats Barmes next year, contention will remain out of reach for baseball’s Mile High team.

3B – A. Nunez, Phillies (-18.3): Phillies GM Pat Gillick received a lot of credit for jettisoning David Bell, but what’s neglected in that credit is that for much of the season it was Nunez who benefited from those extra at bats. His .303 OBP is bad, his .273 slugging was worse, but both hurt the Phillies in a season where even the slightest production at third likely sees them in the playoffs.

LF – S. Podsednik, White Sox (-9.4): Nobody this year will be surprised to know that Podsednik has been bad, of course they would be surprised to know that he really wasn’t much better last year. Repeat after me, a .700 OPS is really, really bad, even if a guy hits .290 with 59 stolen bases. This year, his OBP dipped to .331, which is terrible for a leadoff hitter, no matter how fast or plucky he is. White Sox G.M. Kenny Williams will spend this offseason trying hard to replace Podsednik with a better bat, but I swear those of us who saw through his façade last year aren’t gloating, really we aren’t, well at least only a little…

CF – B. Anderson, White Sox (-11.0): My bad, I cannot lie. I claimed that the White Sox wouldn’t miss Aaron Rowand (sent to Philly in the Jim Thome trade), because Anderson would actually be better. Well, Rowand spent half the year injured and wasn’t particularly good the rest of the time, but he still managed a VORP of 8.6, which is just a teeny tiny itsy bitsy bit better than Anderson’s. If the Sox hadn’t allocated 1,000 at bats to Anderson and Podsednik, then they’re still playing baseball.

RF – D. Hollins, Devil Rays (-6.8): It hardly seems fair to choose another Ray, given that they are really a triple A team in a big, Big, BIG league division, but if you’re hopping to occasionally beat the Orioles, not to mention the Blue Jays, Red Sox, and oh yeah those pesky New York Yankees, well you need to stop giving prime at bats to guys like Hollins. A batting line of .228, .269, .423 absolutely kills a team. You cannot have a regular player who has a .269 OBP, you just cannot.

DH – C. Everett, Mariners (-10.3): If I were picking a GM to go with this team, Seattle’s Bill Bavasi might be the number one contender (assuming of course that the Royals Allan Baird was disqualified when the Royals separated themselves from his service). Everett used to be a questionable locker room presence with a good bat, now he’s just a questionable locker room presence.

Bench:

C – Doug Mirabelli, Red Sox (-7.9) The absurdity is that after being reacquired from the San Diego Padres, he was brought to the ballpark for his first game by police escort as though he was Babe Ruth returning to save the Red Sox… Five months later he was hitting .191 with a .267 OBP and he cost the Sox two players who ended the season on my Best Team list. Of course you couldn’t blame the Red Sox if they were actually re-acquiring Babe Ruth, but Mirabelli’s career OBP is .320. It even might have sufficed if he was the personal catcher returning home to catch Cy Young, but he was returning to catch Tim Wakefield. Come on people.

Inf. – J. McDonald, Blue Jays (-10.5): It’s not just that Adams was bad, it’s that he was bad and the man on the bench to replace him was McDonald. I actually like John, I was watching in Seattle when he cranked a grand slam off the Mariners, and he “seems” to hit almost every time I’m watching, but his OBP is .271 and you know what that means… Great if he’s a defensive replacement, but not when you need him for 286 at bats.

Inf. – T. Perez, Devil Rays (-19.3): It’s another pathetic Ray and I feel bad, I do, really, but what can I do. Honestly, there’s a reason that they scored the fewest runs in baseball. Perez was a part time, utility player and an extremely crap one at that.

Inf./OF – J. Mabry, Cubs (-12.6): In 2004 Mabry was a productive player off the bench for St. Louis and somehow everybody still thinks he still is. He isn’t. With a .607 OPS the Cubs are better off allowing the pitcher to hit.

OF. – L. Ford, Twins (-11.1): It’s remarkable that the Twins went on that run to the playoffs with Ford, of course going on that run had little to do with Ford and his anemic .599 OPS.

Starters:

B. Colon, Angels (-1.7): It isn’t exactly his fault that he hurt himself, but the Angels ace, and the reigning Cy Young winner, only gave his team 56 innings and with a plus 5 ERA to boot. He’s the ace of my crappy team.

M. Mulder, Cardinals (-15.4): Two years ago the Cardinals traded away Danny Haren and Kiko Calero to the A’s to secure the services of a dominant number two to pair with Chris Carpenter. Too bad the guy they got in return was Mulder, whose stuff just isn’t that good any more.

J. Piniero, Mariners (-13.4): Piniero was a really good rookie and has gotten since progressively worse. His VORP has gone from 46.9, to 18.7, to 2.3 to… this horrible embarrassment of a season. If he were the pitcher he showed M’s fans as a rookie, then maybe Carl Everett’s presence wouldn’t have been so bad.

J. Johnson, Indians/Red Sox (-4.6/-6.1): Nobody expected anything from Sidney Ponson and Jeff Weaver was a little (emphasis on the little) better with St Louis, but Johnson was being counted on to help Cleveland’s playoff charge and after being cut he then managed to sabotage the Red Sox season as well. Bang up job of crappiness.

J. Towers, Blue Jays (-18.5): The Jays season was flushed down the drain by their fifth pitchers. It’s not like I had high expectations for Towers, I certainly wasn’t hopping for anything like what he gave us last year, but seriously… Until Hayden Penn’s September call-up, Towers had the worst VORP in the majors, which means that the Jays gave 12 starts to the worst pitcher in baseball. And of course if we’d picked Kazmir instead of Adams then we wouldn’t have signed Towers to that two year contract. Sigh…

Relievers:

C. Polite, White Sox (-9.4): During their championship run, Polite was the White Sox’s top man out of the bullpen. He threw 67 innings with a 2.01 ERA, but this year Polite was less effective. He managed only 30 innings and his 8.70 ERA was a teeny bit worse.

J. Romero, Angels (-7.9): The Angels thought they were getting a top flight lefty arm when they brought him over from Minnesota, unfortunately they also used him against righties. His 1.22 WHIP against lefties was solid, but righties hit a robust .382 against him, which no doubt contributed to his 6.70 ERA.

B. Chen, Orioles (-15.1): The great Leo Mazzone couldn’t do anything to help Chen, who was ineffective in both his role as spot-starter and reliever. Any stinky team needs a really bad long reliever and Chen, with his 6.93 ERA is our feet funk man.

G. Majewski, Reds (-4.0): Considering that the Reds gave up Austin Kearns to get Majewski, he was a huge disappointment. Missing the playoffs cannot be entirely blamed on him, the Reds were overachieving to begin with, but Majewski was brought in at great cost and did nothing but stink.

C. Reitsma, Braves (-8.4): It finally happened, after 14 seasons the Braves finally missed the playoffs. Despite what their fans might think, it was bound to happen at some point. Ironically, it was ultimately the pitching staff that brought them down. While Reitsma isn’t specifically at fault, his pathetic job in relief is indicative of a porous pen no longer coached by Mazzone.

D. Turnbow (closer), Brewers (-12.6): Last years surprise closer, showed that he was less stud finisher and more stinky fromage. From 39 saves with a 1.74 ERA to 24 with a 6.87, just shows that there’s nothing that cannot be made funky with a little time to mold. The perfect closer to our crap team.

Just remember boys and girls, on this Canadian Thanksgiving, to be thankful that your team had these extremely terrible players who ensured that now you are enjoying the wonderful exploits of the NHL season, rather than caring about some silly old baseball playoffs. And, finally, if you think that you smell something really funky in your bedroom this offseason, be careful to check under your bed. It might be that Thai dish you ate last week, it might be your gym socks forgotten in their bag, or it might Josh Towers preparing for another great season…