New Years Eve in the NBA

As the world prepares to count down from ten, pop champagne, and plant a kiss on a loved one, it’s time for Achanceyougottatake Sports to take a brutally honest look at life, direction, expectations, and ascertain this year’s New Years Resolutions… For the NBA (what, you didn’t think I was going to prescribe any resolutions for myself? If I perfected myself, what would I replace my source of self deprecating humor with?). The NBA season is virtually at the first trimester and that makes it a perfect time for some not quite “self” examination.

Isaiah Thomas, Billy Knight and Rob Babcock should each resolve to refrain from giving away talent to other teams in exchange for the benefit of overpaying players. Of course, with the trade deadline soon to arrive, I imagine that each is currently cooking up a creative way to make their team drastically worse (although it’s tough to imagine how Isaiah can top the Eddy Curry trade). Ron Artest should resolve to refrain from embarrassing himself, his family, his team, or the NBA for an entire season (the benefits of which might once have been all-star teams, defensive player of the year awards, and even an NBA championship). Marcus Camby, realizing that he’s on the verge of having the type of season scouts predicted when he was selected 2nd in 1996, should resolve to injure himself at the earliest possible point (what’s that? His presumed sprained finger is actually broken, he’s having pins put in and his return is unknown… see, now that’s dedication to New Year’s resolutions people!). Stevie Nash should resolve to trim the hair out of his eyes, which might allow him to trim his league leading four turnovers a game. Grant Hill should resolve to stay healthy for the rest of the year, because he’s a classy guy and I love seeing him on the court (not to mention that with him Orlando might be a playoff team). Stephon Marbury and Larry Brown should resolve to hold hands and sing Kumbaya before every game,. Kobe Bryant should resolve to pass more, of course the 11 other stiffs on that team should probably resolve to pass it back to him, at least occasionally. Chris Bosh has become the league’s best player on a really, really, really bad team, so he should resolve to say all the right things about staying and finishing his career with one team, while really thinking, ‘ok, if Babcock gave up Air Canada for the chance to pay Alonzo Mourning 10 million to play for Miami, then he’d almost certainly trade me to LA for Kwame Brown, some Laker girl, and a signed picture of Kobe Bryant…” Oh, who are we kidding, this is Babcock, he’d probably settle for a signed picture of Kwame Brown, some Laker girl, and a couple of those big Mickey Mouse ears you get at Disney Land. The Clippers should resolve to trade Corey Maggette, maybe not for Artest like everyone keeps suggesting, but for a solid defensive presence, and some active bodies for the bench. On the other hand, the Warriors should resolve to send whatever Indiana wants for that bad boy of basketball. With Ronny, the Warriors might catch the fast paced Suns for the Pacific division crown and finally give Big Cuz and the rest of their beleaguered fans something to cheer about. Of course, Artest also might start a riot which would terrorize the streets of Oakland, where my beloved godmother resides… hhmmm… Ok, scratch all of that, the Warriors should resolve to play Mike Dunleavy more, narrowly miss out on the playoffs despite the exceptional play of Baron Davis and Jason Richardson and give their fans one more disappointment in a series of mounting disappointments (something those who support me are well versed in). David Stern should resolve to worry less about how players dress and more about how to hype a team other than the Lakers. Detroit should resolve to play Darko for 15 minutes a game, if for no other reason than because they’ve had a phenomenal run of good health from their famed starting five, eventually it will end and the Pistons will need somebody else to step up and produce. The entire Northwest division should resolve to win a few more games, and the entire Central division should resolve to let some other teams win some games. Kobe should resolve to hate Shaq a little less and Shaq should resolve to hate Kobe a little less, but most of all, the entire NBA should resolve to wear Stockton-esque length shorts (the way Jermaine O’Neal recently did) every Friday. It could be an NBA twist on casual day, called “really awkward looking booty shorts day…”

Looking Forward:

Thus far, the almost perfect Pistons and the not quite healthy Spurs have appeared head and shoulders above everybody else, Dallas has separated themselves from the rest of the pack, but to me the most impressive team has been the Phoenix Suns, who right now would take the 2nd seed in their conference, despite not having Leandro Barbossa, Brian Grant, oh yeah and that Amare Stoudemire kid. No Stoudemire, appears to be no problem for reigning coach of the year Mike D’Anotni and MVP Steve Nash. I expected the Suns to position themselves to make a run for the division once Amare returned, but to be only four games back of the Spurs is exceptional. I’m still not convinced that they beat the Spurs in a seven game series, but once Amare returns they'll be better than last year's dynamo. Dallas, despite being the second best team in the conference, is rewarded with a tough first round matchup against Memphis, and a second round tilt with the Spurs, which seems unfair, but thems the breaks. In the West, I think Dallas, the Spurs, Phoenix and the Lakers (largely through the will power and experience of Kobe and Big Chief Triangle) make the second round. In the East, everything is about how good the Pistons are, how bad the Knicks are, and that kid who was deemed King. The Cavs look good, but they still do not play enough defense to really challenge the conferences big boys. The Heat, back under the slick Pat Riley will certainly make themselves known, but I still maintain that they added too many parts in the offseason and would be wise to whittle them down (in other words, trade Antoine Walker). The real wild card, of course, is Indiana. What can they recoup for Artest, will Carlisle open up the offence, is Jermaine O’Neal really the man to lead them? I think the season is slipping away for the Pacers, but they are a factor all the same. Detroit, Miami, Milwaukee, and New Jersey look like second round teams (especially if the Nets can pry Chris Wilcox off of the Clippers bench).

All of which leads to my five fearless predictions:

1) LeBron James wins his first of 8,243 MVP awards, but his pursuit of the NBA scoring title actually makes him slightly less productive than he could be.

2) Rob Babcock losses his mind and starts ejecting fans from the arena who hold signs calling for his dismissal. What, that already happened? Oh, hhmmm… well, smart move by Babcock, he doesn’t want Raptor ownership seeing a random sign in the crowd and having a prescient moment in which they realize he’s the NBA’s worst GM, well except of course for…

3) Despite another terrible trade by uber GM Isaiah Tomas (come on, you known it’s inevitable), the New York Knicks get a little better, but still produce Larry Brown’s worst season. Of course, because of the genius of Isaiah Thomas, they then give the Bulls a top five draft pick.

4) Nobody gets traded until the Pacers decide what to do with Artes; somehow he goes to LA, where the triangle confounds him, but Phil Jackson soothes over his eccentric ways by sagely selecting a book to “open his mind,” thus Dennis Rodman sells another copy of 'Bad As I Wanna Be'.

5) Detroit doesn’t win 70 games and Tim Duncan’s feet never actually heal, yet still those two teams use superior fundamentals to box everyone else out and the season boils down to a repeat of last year’s final: Spurs –Pistons, which is bad news for David Stern, since nobody but purists watched last year. Still, those 37 people who watch this year will witness another exceptional seven games with San Antonio holding the trophy for the fourth time in eight years.